Hey guys. This is the first post on my blog in English because it'll be personal and such subjects just sound better and less like "me" in this language. I'll start from the fact that recently most of my inner problems came back and I can't cope with them. I feel like every time they are back I can deal with them less and less... :( They appear to be closer and closer, even more serious and threatening...
What I would like to do now the most is to cancel my life, remove all my actions, thoughts and complications which this everything has made and start this life again from a certain point when all those problems weren't THAT serious or even weren't serious at all.
I feel like my thoughts, actions and schemes which has been made throughout my life have been constantly leading me into a wrong direction.
I feel like now I'm in a very wrong place in my inner self. Everything got twisted in my head and I don't know what to do to fix this.
I feel isolated, lonely, empty, blocked, broken, useless, worthless and like almost everything needs to be changed in myself, which is true.
One of my problems which I recently observed is the difference between who I am in the Internet and who I am in real life... In the Internet I express myself much more than in real life. I write a lot on this blog, I have profile on ask.fm where I sometimes answer questions, I have Instagram (where I'm normal user, nothing more and that's actually fine, I guess) and I add some snaps on Snapchat which came to be the main problem now.
Well, the problem isn't Snapchat, Instagram or my blog itself but who watches my content and how it relates to real life.
I don't talk much mainly in a bigger goup of people because I never know what to say beacause either I think too much about a suitable subject and none of them turns out to be good to start a conversation with or I just have total emptiness in my head which makes me hate myself even more.
The main problem here I think is people's response to my content and contribution...
I too often think about people's alleged opinions about what I'd like to say. I know it's bad but I don't know how to change it and stop thinking about it. And also I feel like I unintentionally mastered myself in listening to people and conversations rather than taking part in them in real life... I wish I was one of those people who always have something to say and can deal with responses.
But how is it that I have a lot to say in the Internet? I came up with an answer some time ago but now it became even more visible... :(
When nobody who I know in real life respond to my Internet content everything is more than fine.
The problem starts when a person or people who I know start to transfer my internet content into reality and for example ask me or talk about it.
I NEVER KNOW if they are laughing at me, insulting me, are negative towards me or they are just neutrally asking or saying and have nothing bad against me...
I almost always think it's something negative... which is sick as fuck but seriously I can't tell the difference in this subject between somebody laughing at me being ironic / sarcastic and just being nice or neutral.
And what comes with it is the fact that I don't know how to react...
This is not the only type of situation in which I don't know how to act. Sometimes I also don't know what intentions are behind what a person has just said and automatically assuming it was something bad I might act differently. It makes me feel stressed and lost.
This is one of those problems that I can't cope with myself because it's too complicated and blocking... It makes me want to restart my life or remove myself from this world. Obviously I can't do it and I become even more helpless.
I feel like Windows full of errors.